My father sexually and physically abused us whenever and however he could, sometimes daily. I do remember how scary it all was, especially when he resorted to killing our pets right in front of us to keep control over us so that we would not breath a word of it to anyone. It worked! My poor mother was such a mess and was abused also. We were all victims of his cruelty, as if we were his own private "recreation center for psychopaths." He even poisoned my siblings and me, when mom was gone one day. I won't disclose what he used, but my siblings and I were vomiting into the bathtub all that day, while our father was laughing his a$$ off as he watched us from "up close and personal." He beat us, kicked us, and hit us so hard on the head, at times my brain swam.
When I was nine years of age, I repeatedly asked my mother if he had killed another man, because I had memories of him brutally beating a man and carrying off his body. She said, "No," but I did not doubt my memories. He was a very charismatic, charming, even good-looking man, but his personality and looks did not match the faces of his family or the extreme poverty we lived in. Enduring daily doses of abuse and torture made it so hard to go to school, have friends, not to mention have a happy childhood. This was all going on in secret before my parents started studying with Jehovah's Witnesses. Then the real fun began, like a huge event that begins with the word "cluster."
When the witnesses came to our door in 1972 with the "Paradise Lost" book and my mom accepted a "bible" study. Actually, as a nine-year-old, I was willing to give up Christmas, birthdays and other holidays to a faith that I believed could possibly fix my father and his sickness. Our family joining the Watchtower Society of Jehovah's Witnesses made my father even more evil and dangerous. I realized much later that the organization was there for his support, his sick way, to sooth his conscience and for him to get forgiveness from God, all so he could go home to his private "pedophile playground" and have his conscience soothed at the same time. That kind of sickness runs deep.
I mistakenly thought salvation for myself would come from this group and the abuse would stop since he had begun "serving Jehovah" now. It's amazing how even small children can rationalize their circumstances in order to survive. No such relief came for me or my family. In fact, my father's behavior became even more dangerous, because eventually in some half-a$$ed effort to get total forgiveness, he finally confessed his perversions to the congregation's elders (comparable to Nazi SS officers in our prison) and they arranged a Judicial Committee right in our living room.
There are a million details surrounding these events, but you only really need to know the following: I was ten years old, my sister was age eight, and my brother was age eleven. They sat us all down on the couch. My sister and I were dressed in pink home-made pajamas our mother had sown for us. We were shaking with fear to see these three men, sitting across from us in their silk suits, looking at us, as we realized that they now knew what our father had done to us. The shame was unbearable! The reason we were sitting there was not to get comfort from them, nor to receive reassurances from them that help was on the way and we would not have to live there anymore. I was praying to God, then and there, "Please, rescue us!" But rescue never came.
First elder: "Now, as all three of you know from the bible, and from what your father has told us, none of you screamed out "rape," so that means we could disfellowship all three of you, for not speaking up about this."
I remember looking at my father and his fake "Sorry" face and thinking, 'No help is coming and things are going to be worse now.'
Second elder: "Now, we have to ask, 'Did you feel any pleasure when these things were happening to you?'"
I thought to myself, 'Are you f__king kidding me, you fat, freaking pervert!?!'
I don't remember much that was said, nor much of what happened after that point, but I do remember my sister was sobbing next to me and my brother looked as if he could just die right then. We were told that we could not talk about any of this with anyone, which meant no therapy or help in any way, shape or form for us. My father would continue to perpetrate his abuse in secrecy. The elders did disfellowship him, but he was reinstated three months later and was soon a Ministerial Servant, which is just one rank below elder. We were forced to keep the highest secrecy. As one elder said, "When your father is reinstated, he can't have his reputation sullied by your claims, or you children could get into trouble."
For the next seven years, my siblings and I suffered at the hands of this monster with no one else the wiser, and no help ever arrived for us. That next seven years was horrific. My mom suffered a nervous break- down and was powerless to help us. I forgave her for that, long ago.
I am going to relate one experience that occurred during those years, to explain where I am at today. When I was around twelve years old, I was invited to spend the night with a Jehovah's Witness friend in the next town over. I pleaded for my sister to be allowed to go with me, because I knew that if she stayed behind, she would fall prey to my fathers torture. (my brother was out of pocket that weekend) My sister was allowed to go with me, but right before we were leaving to get in the car, my father, being very angry that his playthings were getting away for the weekend, had my new little puppy tied up next to the back porch. My stomach ached with what I knew was coming. He whispered in my ear, "Fake illness to your mom, so you can stay here with me or that puppy won't be here when you get back. He had killed my other dog with a hammer, two weeks before, which caused my sister to be hospitalized. I looked back at the sweet little puppy, wagging his tail at me, and said, "I am so sorry," but I could not bring myself to stay and be raped. I got in the car and did not look back as I was forced to choose life or death for my beloved pet. Of course, the puppy was gone when I returned home.
In the family of the friend that my sister and I spent the weekend with, the father was an elder, a person whom I thought could be trusted. In fact, as the next several years went by, I often confided in him that my father was still abusing us and we needed help! My pleas fell on deaf ears and the rapes continued. Over the years my siblings and I would drink to excess, which often resulted in my sister and I beating the cr@p out of our father, while we were in a drunken rage. It's a pity that he enjoyed that.
Fast forward to the present....... When I woke up eight months ago and left the Watchtower Society of Jehovah's Witnesses, thanks to my brave children, who helped me leave, I realized how much I had been living in denial. I also left my uber- Jehovah's Witness husband, who doesn't seem to mind sitting next to the same son-of-a-b_tch, in whom I repeatedly tried to confide for help. My misplaced trust in a man who was an elder resulted in a particularly horrible event with my father, when I was age fourteen.
I have been called every apostate name in the book, and according to my self-righteous husband, I left the "truth," because I am now disgruntled, just like my children. A life of suffering, neglect and indifference is what I left and he cannot see it.....at all. This is the most frustrating part about the whole situation, the inability of Jehovah's Witnesses to think for themselves or to view anything in any way other than how the Watchtower publications and public talks instruct them to do. Needless to say, I told my husband, "If you still want to be part of an organization that perpetuates this type of abuse, go right ahead, but do it without me (what's not to understand?)! His response was, "We took a vow before Jehovah and you can't leave that!" WATCH ME!
(Note: Watch for updates on this woman's story as the future unfolds.....)
NOTE: If you are a former or Ex-Jehovah's Witness, who would like to have your case reviewed legally, concerning you or your child having been molested/raped and receiving no assistance from anyone in the Watchtower Society, you can contact William H. Bowen, the founder of silentlambs.org. For confidential contact info, check with Admin. in "The Truth Behind Jehovah's Witnesses" group on Facebook.
If you would like to have your child custody case reviewed, William H. Bowen also founded the Jehovah's Witnesses Child Custody website to provide information and assistance for former or Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses with child custody issues.
If you are a former or Ex-Jehovah's Witness in need of counseling concerning you or your child having been molested/raped, please go to the Silent Lambs website for assistance. http://www.silentlambs.org/assistance/index.cfm
Want to know where to find the concrete evidence against the Governing Body of the Watchtower Society of Jehovah's Witnesses? Here's a few links to get you started:
Facts About Jehovah's Witnesses
Watchers of the Watchtower World
Advocates for Awareness of Watchtower Abuses (AAWA)
Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses Online
^^^ The above website includes "An Elder Shares His Honest Opinions"
http://ex-jw.com/elder-shares-honest-opinions (THAT should be an interesting read!)