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Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Story of A. Nonny Miss

I was born into the Watchtower Society of Jehovah's Witnesses.  I had loving parents, who were into drugs, until they "found Jehovah" and quit.  I never had a birthday, never celebrated Christmas or Easter.  I was actually speaking and placing tracts in field service (house-to-house preaching work) when I was three years old.  As a child, I remember always being afraid to smile, although I'm still not fully aware of the reason why.

My father was an elder in the congregation, although being an elder, never affected his penchant for having various affairs with other women.  He was an active sex addict.  I used to wait in the car while he went to orgies.  At night, I could hear him raping mom.  She was so much stronger than I ever gave her credit for.

At ten years of age, I was baptized.  I was the congregation wonder child, the youngest baptized at any of the conventions in Virginia.  I was making everyone so proud and happy, especially my father.  I loved him and he loved me.  Yet I was afraid to smile or cry or play.

After baptism, I immediately began to auxiliary pioneer which meant I was devoting fifty hours a month to the preaching work.  I was ten years old.  I was a child and I was exhausted.  I was under so much stress I began to have health and mental issues.  I was constantly sick to my stomach and couldn't eat.  I would fall asleep on the toilet at night, being ill.

Attending public school, I was always different, than my classmates.  I never had school friends over to visit.  There were only adults, I was always surrounded by adults.  Today, it's hard for me to connect with people my own age.

The first time I realized that I wasn't going to make my hours as an auxiliary pioneer, I was devastated.  Using a sharp piece of metal, I began sawing at my leg until I bled.  No one ever knew.  I felt better.  I had punished myself and I felt better. This didn't happen again fir a long time. I was still the wonder child even tho I made that mistake.  
I would give theocratic ministry school talks at conventions in Virginia all the time. Everyone was happy with me and so was Jehovah.  My father wished that I was his son, so that I could give public talks, but....oh, well.

Things went along smoothly in a disfunctional way, for a long time.  Sexual abuse, verbal abuse and occasionally, physical abuse were normal occurrences and were kept hidden from the congregation for quite some time.  Little did I know that some of the other elders knew what was going on.  Nothing was done.  A divorce or separation would rock the boat in so many ways.  My mother stayed with my father for over 25 years, living in fear of leaving or leaving us behind.

At fifteen years of age, I began home-schooling myself and "regular Pioneering," which raised my hours in field service to eighty hours per month.  I did this for two years.  I dedicated my life and soul to Jehovah, to others, to the congregation.  I was constantly under close scrutiny.  My skirt was too tight, my blouses were too revealing.  Many of the elders made inappropriate advances and comments to me, but particularly the one who was an elder and a regular Pioneer.  We spent many hours together.  I was sixteen years old, with the body of a twenty-three-year-old and the hormones of a 16 year old.  He was age fifty-eight.  He led me on for a few years.  I didn't know it, but there were other younger and older women, who were targeted by him, also.  I was in love with him, absolutely in love.  The elders claimed that I was the inappropriate one.  Nothing was done.

I had enough. I was broken in mind, body, soul and spirit.  I began having suicidal thoughts.  I told my parents finally that I would pray every night from the age of 10 and especially now for Jehovah to kill me. I was ugly and imperfect. I didn't deserve life. I was having problems at school. Socially. I wasn't sleeping at night. I began cutting and hurting myself again. I got a job and kept pioneering for just a few more months. I wanted to finish my second year. I was never a quitter.

At my job, I made friends. I started working late and having fun with "worldly" people, who were not Jehovah's Witnesses.  I made excuses to go to work.  I also tried a cigarette and began smoking.  I started dating a guy at work.  We were intimate one night. Not sex, but close enough.  I was horrible at living a double life.  I told the elders.

The elders scheduled my first Judicial Committee meeting.  There were three of them.  I met with them and I was on trial.  I was open and honest and cried openly, as well.  I said what I had done, but that wasnt enough for them.  They wanted sexual details of what had occurred.  This made me very uncomfortable, because I was still only seventeen years old or I had just turned age eighteen.  It was done.  I left the room, so the elders could pray and discuss my case.  They called me back in.  They ruled that I was to be disfellowshipped.

I went home and packed my bags.  I couldn't live at home anymore.  I visited with a friend from work and moved in with them.  My drinking escalated.  The pain was so great that I became a nightly drinker and I started smoking marijuana.  I figured that Jehovah hated me and so did my family.  I was only eighteen years old and it hurt beyond words.  Everything I ever knew was ripped away.  Family, friends, everything, even Jehovah.  My drinking continued for a long time.  I started trying other drugs, as well.  I had sex for the first time.  I was slowly spiralling out of control.  My mother would sneak away to call me on the phone sometimes, but if my father found out, there would be "hell to pay."  I did get to hug my mother once, when she actually came to see me.

After awhile, my parents said I could move back in, if I stayed in the basement.  I agreed.  I would wait until after midnight to go upstairs and eat.  Jehovah's Witnesses use a scripture that refers to not breaking bread with unbelievers, so I wasn't allowed to even eat in front of them.  I did this for years, it seemed.  I began to like the basement.  I could drink and use drugs in isolation.  At the time, I was so addicted that I thought this was great.  I started harder drugs like cocaine, pills, ecstasy.  Anything I could get my hands on that would help me forget and not feel.  One night I overdosed on some pills I stole from my father.  I was alone in the basement with no help.  The next day I went to him for help.  He told me to get some rest that everything would be okay.  I did.  A few days later, my parents were still discussing what to do.  At this point, I became psychotic.  I began cutting and stabbing myself with scissors in the arm.  The police were called and I went to the local psychiatric ward.  This saved my life.  I was diagnosed as bipolar with borderline personality and major depression.  I was put on medications and they helped.  I came home and my family let me move upstairs and they ate dinner with me.  This is what I wanted this so badly, but I would have to be reinstated as a Jehovah's Witness again for it to continue.  So that is what I did.  I quit the drugs and returned to the Watchtower Society's meetings.  It took approximately eight months to get reinstated.

Finally, I had my family back.  I went to my first assembly (convention) and I wanted to eat out with everyone afterwards.  Everyone that I asked said, "No."  I was being shunned, even though I was reinstated.  My heart hit the floor.  It hurt so bad.  I cried in my car on the way home.  I began cutting and stabbing myself again.  Then came another psychiatric ward visit.  I was drug-free and reinstated as a Witness again, with no friends, but with three members of my family.  I began dating a man.  One month later I became pregnant and decided to keep the baby.  Seven months into my pregnancy, I was disfellowshipped again.  The elders said Jehovah was so sad and disappointed in me.  Again I openly cried.  I stayed clean from drugs during my whole pregnancy.  After my C-section I became addicted again to pain pills.

Today, I am seven months clean. I have found God. And He loves me AND my daughter.  I don't have full custody of her yet, but I know that with God, all things are possible. Thanks for letting me share my story.


NOTE:  If you are a former or Ex-Jehovah's Witness, who would like to have your case reviewed legally, concerning you or your child having been molested/raped and receiving no assistance from anyone in the Watchtower Society, you can contact William H. Bowen, the founder of silentlambs.org.  For confidential contact info, check with Admin. in "The Truth Behind Jehovah's Witnesses" group on Facebook.

If you would like to have your CHILD CUSTODY case reviewed, William H. Bowen also founded the Jehovah's Witnesses Child Custody website to provide information and assistance for former or Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses with child custody issues.

If you are a former or Ex-Jehovah's Witness in need of counseling concerning you or your child having been molested/raped, please go to the Silent Lambs website for assistance.  http://www.silentlambs.org/assistance/index.cfm

Want to know where to find the concrete evidence against the Governing Body of the Watchtower Society of Jehovah's Witnesses?  Here's a few links to get you started:
 
Facts About Jehovah's Witnesses
http://www.jwfacts.com/

Silent Lambs
http://www.silentlambs.org/

Watchtower Documents.Com
http://www.watchtowerdocuments.com/jw-sites.html

Watchers of the Watchtower World
http://www.freeminds.org/

Advocates for Awareness of Watchtower Abuses (AAWA)
http://aawa.co/blog/how-the-watchtower-uses-undue-influence-to-enforce-its-blood-policy/

Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses Online
http://ex-jw.com/

^^^ The above website includes "An Elder Shares His Honest Opinions"
http://ex-jw.com/elder-shares-honest-opinions  (THAT should be an interesting read!)